Unbecoming

My creativity is stuck. Stuck somewhere between what people want to know and what I know.

These are the first words I have put down on a Google Doc in over a week. Unsure of what I could give to those who follow me.

I have been here before.

I have had to walk away before because of this.

Here I am again feeling like I have nothing to offer those around me. Feeling like I have given them everything and every piece of knowledge that I have. There is nothing left.

My normal routes aren't getting me out of this.

Meditation

Journaling

Hiking

Watching inspiring documentaries

Here I am at 6:30 in the morning, putting words down that I'm not even sure make sense. My eyes are still half closed in the early morning sun.

WHO AM I STRUGGLING TO BE

Part of why I show people how to blog is to show them the struggle. To uncover the idea that once you become good at something, the struggles don't go away. That who I am is filled with uncertainty, a little bit of madness, and a willingness to show all of me.

There are moments when doubt creeps in and I can't shake it.

Like who I am struggling to be is wrong.

Like what I am doing isn't right.

Like everything around me seems to be falling apart.

I am covering up pieces of me but I don't know what pieces those are.

I feel incomplete.

I feel like a fraud.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like who I am is being covered up.

I have this image in my head of how my life should be. Maybe that is part of the problem. I am trying to fit into a mold that doesn't exist. I am trying to be all these things and do all these things when in reality, I am supposed to be or do none of them.

UNBECOMING THE REFLECTION THAT I SEE

You see, I am good at what I do. Not just good, great. I am great at what I do.

Why would I be given these gifts if I wasn't supposed to be them or do them? Why, when I feel like everything is falling into place, I feel like everything is mismatched and uncertain?

It is the words that surround me that don't belong to me.

It is the doubt from others that slowly creeps in.

It is the belief that I have to do it all and if I don't or can't, I am a failure.

If I work too much, I am failing as a mom.

If I don't work enough, I am failing as a business owner.

If I give too much to my day job, I don't have enough to give to my business.

If I don't cook dinner every night, I am failing my health and the health of my children.

If I don't work out, I am failing my body.

If I don't have a clean house, I am failing society.

All these roles that I play, fill me up in different ways. Yet, all of the pressure I put on myself takes my power away and makes me feel as if no matter what I do, I am just not enough. I don't strive for perfection because I know that is an impossible feat.

Instead, I strive for…

Exhaustion

Because at the end of the day, I don't know how to live any other way.

I don't know how to give less of myself in every aspect of my life. Everything I do, I try to do with inspiration and all of me. I don't want to give pieces of myself to something, I want to give all of myself to everything I do.

Whether that is my day job, my family, or my business. That means that there is nothing left to give to me. I give pieces away all day that soon, I don't recognize who I am in the mirror.

I see a tired, worn down 37 year old who still has a lot of life to live but questions why she is doing it. I don't want to feel like her. I don't want to continue feeling like I am living in the shadows because what I do just isn't good enough.

I want my kids to see that chasing their dreams is exhilarating and worth it.

I want my clients to see the passion that I have for my business.

I want my family to see that I love my life and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.

I want to see my dreams and goals realized without having to give pieces of myself away.

How do I accomplish this? How do I give myself a fighting chance to live the life that I have this vision of without depleting myself in the process?

These are the first words I have put down in over a week. They may not make sense but that is where my head is. My heart knows what it is working through while my head tries to make sense of it all.

This is a small piece of my journey.

A journey to digging deeper and loving myself more.

A journey to showing those around me that you don't need to have it all figured out to move forward.

A journey that I agreed to make within my soul.

A journey that is unpredictable and makes no sense to me in moments of my life but I know someday will.

So here is a piece of my truth. That unbecoming who I think I should be is a tangle of questions, unknowns, and a whole lot of trust and believing in things you don't and can't see.

Honestly, I have no idea if this post will even make sense but I couldn't stop the words and so here they are. Giving a piece of myself to the world through words.

Sometimes, maybe, we aren't meant to understand or know the purpose of what we need to do.

For now, I will sit in the morning sun, meditate, and continue giving more of myself than I should because unbecoming that reflection means giving away more of myself than I am ready to.