I'm Heavy and I Just Can't Shake It

There is this anger that is sitting just below the surface. It doesn’t seem to want to go away and so it sits...just waiting to explode.

Sometimes it explodes silently like on Valentine’s night. I have even gotten great at bottling up my emotions. Knowing that if I share them I may just break down and no one wants that. And so I left our bed and went to lay on the couch. Using the dog as an excuse. I just needed to leave.

You see, I had built up so much excitement all through Valentine’s day. Cooking a beautiful dinner all afternoon. Creating a gift that I thought was perfect and summed up our relationship.

I knew that I wasn’t getting a gift. That doesn’t really bother me. We normally don’t buy each other gifts but this year I wanted to do a meaningful gift and I thought of it the day before. However, I was hoping for something. A love letter, a massage, really anything that didn’t require money but something deeper. And so when that didn’t happen, the anger that has been dormant started to bubble.

And so I went to lay on the couch once I heard him snoring away in bed. I let the dog outside, played on my phone for a few minutes, and then grabbed a pillow and got as comfortable as I could. I didn’t close my eyes. I sat there trying to will myself to sleep but just couldn’t and then I heard movement upstairs. I quickly shut my eyes hoping that he would think I was sleeping but of course, he knew better. He wanted me to come back to bed. I reluctantly went. I did say I am great at bottling my emotions.

You love with your whole being. Jody

I do and sometimes that causes me pain that I am still learning how to embrace.

Your scars are always there reminding you of the pain you have survived and the growth that is still coming.

Sometimes it explodes much louder like this morning. We got snow last night. Honestly, the past couple of weeks we have been spoiled with the weather and I knew that it would eventually come to an end, despite all my internal protests. I tell the girls that I am going to shovel and wipe the van off and that they need to get ready and come outside so that we can leave.

Ten minutes later, I walk in and see them in the same exact position that they were in when I left to go outside. There the anger is again but this time it erupts. I start yelling at them. As I sit here writing this, I feel sad because the emotion that always comes after the anger is sadness. So I sit here feeling sad for the yelling that I did but at that moment I just wanted someone to listen. Even if it was just about getting ready for school.

EMOTIONAL TURMOIL, HEARTBREAK, AND ME

Eventually, the anger subsides again and sits underneath the surface, waiting for the next time. I begin to go through all of the moments of doubt. Questioning if I could have done things better and maybe, just maybe, things would have turned out differently.

If I had just accepted that Valentine’s day isn’t the same for everyone.

If I had just watched the girls get ready so I knew that they were doing it.

If I had just written my resume a different way maybe they would have hired me.

If I had just added a better cover letter maybe they would know more about me and said yes.

I am also great at what-ifs. The questioning period that comes after the anger and during the sadness. Here are three different stages of healing that I have experienced.

I have always disliked February. I don’t think that there is a specific reason for it but I find that for being the shortest month of the year, it is often the longest. 2022 is proving that to be true. I am feeling heavy and I just can’t shake it. I get these moments often. For the most part, I have my self-care toolkit that helps me process these heavy emotions but this anger isn’t letting me move on.

It is just sitting here, getting darker and blacker every moment of every day. I feel it consume me and I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. Tears help to relieve some of the pressure some days but they aren’t always there when I need them.

Sadness.

Anger.

Hurt.

Frustration.

Have all made their home in me. So yes, I may love with my whole being but I also hate with my whole being. Unfortunately, the hate is often directed in the mirror as I sit and stare at my tear-soaked cheeks.

A hate that I continue to work daily on. A hate that knows it still has power over the love that I feel for myself. A hate that reminds me it is still in there.

LISTENING TO THE VOICES THAT SURROUND YOU

Jody is a force in my life that I don’t even know how to explain. When we met, we were instantly connected. It was as if she knew me and I knew her. My love for her has grown as I continue to learn more and more about her story and who she is. She is one piece of my foundation that is always there. I don’t know how I have survived for as long as I have without her being there to support, encourage, and listen to me.

She reads some of my blog posts before I publish them. She helps me make sense of the emotional ones that sometimes just pour out of me. Like this post. She is able to make sense of what I am trying to say.

Rejection and self-hate once they create a scar, that scar is always there. So when something fresh happens, that wound rips right back open. Jody

I have countless scars from moments that ripped me apart and I put myself back together. I did the hard work to rediscover and fall in love with who I am. Piece by piece I built myself back up knowing that if I didn’t, no one would do it for me.

I am surrounded by love every single day and this love continues to grow and evolve. I love my life. I love some of the scars and I am learning to love the rest.

And it’s true when you love with all you are, you create space for that pendulum to swing the other emotional direction. This isn’t a fault. It’s the sacrifice we have to pay for loving so raw. You can only feel love to the depths you do cause you understand the other side. Jody

So yes, I am feeling heavy and unable to shake it but the love that I also feel is unshakable. There is no harder time than right now to love who you are, where you are, and who you are becoming.

As I end this post, I want you to know that despite all the scars and all of the pain, I wouldn’t change my life.

I am forever grateful that I said yes to the love my husband showed me back in 2005.

I am forever grateful that I have children who do not listen to me when I wish they would.

I am forever grateful that I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back at me, radiating with love.

I am forever grateful for the scars because it means that I get to piece myself back together in my own way.